Periyannan Alagappan, Houston, Texas
Nagarathars in our era have spent thousands of hours discussing ways to deal with ONE problem plaguing our community. We have found no way to decelerate this satanic vehicle that tramples over the entire cross-section of our community - rich or poor, educated or illiterate, living in the western world or elsewhere. You may have guessed that I'm referring to the Dowry system and its progeny: "Mappillai Set", "Maamiyaar Saamaan", "Saamaan Parapputhal" etc.
Yet there are very few people in the community who would accept in public that "demanded" dowry is ethical and appropriate. Are we being facetious and hypocritical? Or are we simply being party to an unruly practice in the name of tradition? Why is it that parents of Nagarathar boys do not come forward and openly state that they will not encourage this practice? Why is it that Nagarathar boys do not take a firm stand that they will not accept anything in the name of dowry and that all bets are off if there is any talk of dowry while pursuing an alliance? Why is it that these boys do not simply refuse to being traded like commodities?
I have known more than one family where the parents do not send their girl child to college because that implies looking for a better-educated groom, which implies more dowry. This is a double-edged sword. Not only do the parents spend money educating the girl, they work even harder to save up money for dowry, lest the girl should end up in an unhappy marriage.
I have known more than one family where the father has to first marry off a younger boy to obtain enough dowry to marry their daughter.
I have known more than one family where another (rich) family forcibly adopts the boy so that his sisters are married off.
I have known more than one family where the parents had to look for grooms outside the community because they cannot "afford" to get a Chettiar boy.
I have known more than one family where the girl does not marry at all, and lets her dreams and aspirations die with her young age.
I have known more than one family where the girl is "sent home" because her parents couldn't keep their material promises.
I have known more than one family where a young girl is married off to a rich man as a "second wife" simply because her father couldn't "afford" a husband who marries for the first time.
I have known more than one family where a young girl has to make the unfortunate choice of leaving her beloved parents and siblings because her parents can only "afford" to hand her off to some chettiar boy who is no match for the girl's background and education.
I have known more than one family where the girl is forced to marry a boy because all "other terms" are agreeable.
Our community is very small. You probably know these families too.
Before we go on a rampage attacking the dowry system, we need to look at the other side of the coin. The dowry system, also known as "stri danam", was originally established in India as a conscientious, loving practice to counter the unfair property ownership laws established by the British. The "danam" (gift) given to the girl, usually in the form of gold jewelry, remained her personal property throughout marriage, thus providing for her economic well-being and security in case of her husband's death or other calamity. But as years passed, dowry became an expected, and then demanded, offering to the groom's family by the bride's family. Also, dowry payments (now reincarnated in the material forms of paper money, diamond jewelry ("Periaya Nagai", "Chinna Nagai"), houses, lands, and what-not) are rarely considered female-owned property and are made to the groom's family to "accept" the girl into the family or to "buy" the groom out. This materialistic dowry system has led to serious social problems such as divorces, dangerous sex-selective abortions, and even suicides. Should the Nagarathar community, known for its religiousness, honesty, and philanthropy, be party to this unethical and illegal practice that is contrary to the very grains and precepts of Hinduism? I'll let our informed readers decide.
I strongly feel that Nagarathar organizations around the globe should promulgate these deeper causes to create a lasting impression on our children and on our community, and make the Nagarathar world a better place to belong to. These organizations should hold debates during their conventions and encourage online discussion forums that are determined to find a solution to this problem. They should get our unmarried youth involved and commit to a "dowry-less" society.
Please do not just express your appreciation for the gravity of the situation. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
